Viet Nam

Well, I suppose we should start with how the Viet Namese feel about Americans after the war (and, don't forget, over here it is the "American" war, not the "Vietnam" war!) The answer is, they love Americans. The war is in their past, there is very little vindictiveness, even among those people who were adults at the time. The Viet Namese have seen many wars in the last century - the French / American war is only one of them. For the first time in many, many years, the Viet Namese are experiencing peace, and now that their country is open to the world (despite Socialist government), they truly welcome foreigners. And they want peace from now on. People my age lived through this war - that freaks me out a little - they have scars - their relatives died in Napalm blasts, etc. But they welcomed me with open arms.

There is of course a caveat - the Viet Namese people are at the same time some of the nicest people and some of the shadiest mother fuckers you will ever meet. On the flight from Vientiane (Laos) to Ha Noi, a guy sitting near me told me he knew of a really nice hotel for $7 a night - he had a brochure to prove it. He invites me to go along with him in the hotel van. At this point I am suspicious - there is no such thing as a deal too good to be true! But, I figure what the hell, I can go with him, if I don't like the hotel I will find another one.

So they take all 15 of us to.... a different hotel! A really shitty one at that. Someone pointed out that it was a different hotel, and we got the old "no problem! no problem! Sister hotel!" routine. Then, 14 out of the 15 people checked in anyway - they were too afraid to venture out in Hanoi after dark with all their luggage. So, I must congratulate those Viet Namese men - with asshole travelers like that, they should keep working their scam!

I was the 15th traveler; I said "fuck you" in Lao (didn't know how to say it in Viet Namese yet), went outside, talked to a boy with a moto bike, and he carried my whole suitcase and me to a different hotel. I wound up getting an A/C room with hot water shower, western toilet, toilet paper, minibar, satellite TV, and a balcony for $6 a night! (have I mentioned that outside the western world, toilet paper and hot water are luxury items!!!)

I checked in and ventured out for dinner. Then I went into a pub across the street from the restaurant and met a Russian guy who has been living in Viet Nam for six years. It is approaching midnight, the Russian guy says, "want more??" Steve Braun never says no to a question like this... so, we hop on his moto and he takes me to a disco called "Apocalypse Now". The DJ booth was, you guessed it, a cut-out front portion of a real helicopter! The Russian guy had five women waiting for him... we drank and talked... one of the woman was a real bitch - in a very familiar way - it turns out she is Viet Namese but now lives in Battery Park City NYC - about 20 blocks from me! We had a laugh.

The nightlife in Ha Noi is out of control. I went to a couple of places that could rival what we have in NYC. It definitely beats the hell out of most places in USA. There are lots of expats there - so I learned from them where to go and what to do.

One night I was running around with Mandy (woman from Australia) who has lived in Ha Noi for four years. I hop on the back of her moto, and we speed off - a cop tries stopping us from going down an alley to get to a bar - she stops to talk to him, then revs her engine and says "fuck you!!!" and off we go past the cop. She told me that's why the women in Viet Nam always take the money (at every store, restaurant, hotel, you name it, there is a woman sitting with the cash box, the woman writes the bill, and the woman takes the money). Viet Namese men are laissez-faire and would use the money for more drink. She said if you smoke under a no smoking sign, a woman cop will come up to you and you damn well better put out that cigarette. If a male cop comes up to you, you say "fuck off!!!", keep smoking, and they will saunter away.

OK, back to the shadiness. I eventually went to Ha Long Bay, which I must say is one of the most stunningly beautiful places I have ever been. (I seem to say this with every email??) The tour operator, who owns my hotel, charged me for a single room but on the boat I was paired with someone anyway. No big deal, only $4, but I resented being taken advantage of. When I was ready to leave Ha Noi, the same hotel owner/travel guy offered to buy my train ticket for me. I said I would pay him 100,000 dong plus the cost of the ticket. I prepaid for a 2nd class soft sleeper car. He told me the ticket would be at the train station waiting for me and he would take me to the station at 10:00pm (which he did). When we got to the station, he pulled the ticket out of his pocket (he had it all along), and it was for 3rd class hard sleeper. I asked him for the 50,000 dong difference, and he claimed to have no cash. So I punched the skinny, short mother fucker and a big scene ensued.

It turns out not all Viet Namese are shady, because when people figured out what the commotion was about, they started to jump on him!!! They were screaming at him about how he gives Viet Nam a bad name, etc etc etc. At this point it was well worth the 50,000 dong difference!

I arrived in Hoi An, which is a very scenic, historical town 1/2 way down the Viet Namese coast. It was scenic and boring - the other western travelers there were all the 20- something backpacker set or they were pretentious French people. So, I hired a guide and went to My Son, an area of historical ruins about 1 hour away from town.

On the way back from My Son, I saw a field with tents and kiddy rides set up with a stage. I thought this could be fun - going to whatever in Viet Nam would be the equivalent of the Italian - American festival in CFO. The guide says it is a "ladyman" show!

OK, some history on Ladymen before I proceed. Anyone who has been to Thailand will tell you about the ladymen. They are a third sex - it is hard for a westerner to comprehend how it works. They are not transvestites like we have in the west, they are truly considered a third sex. And there are many of them... You really sometimes cannot tell a lady from a ladyman or vice versa. And a couple of the bars in Bangkok will actually touch women where the sun doesn't shine to confirm what they are (some of the bars in Bangkok, the "gentlemen's clubs" kind of bars, want only the real thing walking through the door - other places could care less what your sex is).

Anyway, I was told of this phenomenon before going to Thailand, and I thought it would be unique to Thailand. Wrong! Laos and Viet Nam are also crawling with ladymen (although, Viet Nam not as much). It is an Asian thing!

We park the car and walk to the field. There were probably 1,000 people there - grandma, grandpa, mom, dad (if alive), the kids... This village has not seen many white people before, and all of a sudden there are about 200 kids surrounding me trying to touch me and I can barely move. They are all shouting "hello" because this is a rare chance to use their English with someone (English is taught to all Viet Namese children starting when they are 6 years old). I was having fun at first, but then I started to feel concerned - I could not control my own movements. Then, god intervened - a huge downpour started and everyone ran for cover. The guide took me behind the stage - the kids started to come toward us, and we didn't know what to do. Then, a door under the stage swings open and a ladyman invites us in to take cover from both the rain and the kids.

It turns out the ladymen live under the stage - they perform right over their bedrooms every night. Then, a few weeks later when the crowds start to dwindle, they just pack everything up and move to another cornfield!

Then they played the Viet Namese version of "BINGO". They sang the numbers in the middle of their songs, and then when someone got a BINGO they would come running to the stage. Now, Viet Namese shadiness again - next to the container where they pull out the numbered balls for BINGO was a new rice cooker. This is a rock concert, so a rice cooker next to the BINGO game would of course imply that the winner would get a rice cooker. NOT!!!! The winners were given a 1 kilo bag of mono sodium glutamate and two cans of Pepsi!! I asked the guide why no one won the rice cooker - he said it's not a prize, it was just sitting there on the stage! Shady.

Saigon is the NYC of Viet Nam - people everywhere, constant movement, a lot of energy (this is opposed to Ha Noi, which is a leafy, clean city). I loved Saigon. It is a place I could live. There is a lot going on there, and it is very accessible. I met some people when I was at dinner who took me to a place called "Lost in Saigon". Had a blast. Then, just like Bangkok, the next day I went to a pool party - at probably the biggest house I have ever seen in my life. They had cooks, gardeners, and attendants everywhere. And they also had their own miniature zoo with hens imported from around the world?!?!? I do not know how I wind up at these places.

I am in Cambodia now - it is changing so fast - the guidebooks lead you to believe you are going to the "wild wild east", but, as of the last year or two, it is more modern. It is WAY ahead of Laos on the modern scale, and I am typing this to you at a cafe with a DSL connection!!